produced, engineered, and mixed by matt ingram at urchin studios from 2017-2024. additional engineering by john mark painter at the international house of fleming in nashville, tn in 2022-2024. mastered by edsel holden at redact studios in nashville, tn. art direction and album design by beth mathews. photography by iris ray. © & ℗ sight manner music llc. except for “Ceremony,” © & ℗ universal music. vinyl under exclusive license to esperanza recordings, memphis, tn.
this album is dedicated to my children: teddy, lu & annie.
thank you to all the people who cared for my children so i could make this. and to my husband will, who continues to make space for whoever i become.
Me Before the You
Written by Alva Leigh peden levanway, Mary Erskine
Vocals by Alva Leigh
drums, synths, programming, and guitar by matt ingram
horns by john mark painter
After the last of the lasts
Before the first of the firsts
I hang like a melody
Waiting for its words
I've gathered in one hand
All I say I know
Loosely in the other
All I'm ready to let go
How to hold onto the me before the you
Inside a sun as it sets
Watching the paint as it dries
How long can I stay here
Between two blinks of an eye
I've gathered in one hand
All I say I know
Loosely in the other
All I'm ready to let go
I will celebrate the mountains I've made
The versions I've been in this skin
Everything will change
You don't take that away
The versions I've been a new one begins
—
Late Bloomer
Written by Alva Leigh peden levanway
Keys and Vocals by Alva Leigh
drums, synths, programming, and guitar by matt ingram
French Horn, acoustic guitar by John Mark Painter
Send me a postcard of the burning bush
I don't need a mountaintop to know what's good
But some days I miss the climb
Did the bush know it was gonna burn when it became a vine?
I guess I'll be a late bloomer
Cause I don't wanna disappear
I spend my days as a soft place to land
Did you know a dying star explodes in the end?
So I slowly walk the line of burning out and catching fire
I guess I'll be a late bloomer
Cause I don't wanna disappear
Some will say that I dug my grave
So why don't I sit down and die in it?
I'm not gonna die in it
—
Find You In Other Places
Written by Alva Leigh peden levanway
Vocals by Alva Leigh
drums, synths, programming by matt ingram
Guitar by John Mark Painter
Dappled light by your side at the window
We left you there but I don’t know if I can let go
They say it will get easier but how do I believe them?
I’ve got to find you in other places
Like the butterfly in the wind
And the red bird on the fence
I’ve got to find you in other places
In this dark I cannot find a hidden trap door
And through the fire the only grace is sorrow
I promise I will carry you as far as I can take you
Then I will find you in other places
Like the butterfly in the wind
And the red bird on the fence
I’ve got to find you in other places
I’ve got to find you, find you
So I don’t lose you, lose you
In the morning sky, in the butterfly
that catches your sister’s eye, it won’t pass me by
I’ve got to find you
Like the butterfly in the wind
And the red bird on the fence
I’ve got to find you in other places
—
Builder of the Bones
Written by Alva Leigh Peden LEvanway, Mary Erskine
Vocals, keys by Alva Leigh
drums, synths, programming by matt ingram
Horns, Acoustic Guitar by John mark Painter
A glimmer in the dark
the pieces of the frame
I'll never see the sum
I'm just marking out the empty, empty, empty space
To the architects in Spain who pictured the people praying
But they never heard the words in the cathedrals that they made
It's like I'm out here sanding stones laying bricks out here alone
Is the satisfaction lost to be the builder of the bones,
the builder of the bones
Hammering the bells
building out the pews
I'll never hear the songs
the songs I wrote for you
To the architects in Spain who pictured the people praying
But they never heard the words in the cathedrals that they made
It's like I'm out here sanding stones laying bricks out here alone
Is the satisfaction lost to be the builder of the bones, the builder of the bones
It's a monumental mission to let go of your ambition and make space
—
Birthday Girl
Written by Alva Leigh peden levanway and Mary Erskine
Vocals, synth, additional programming by Alva Leigh
drums, synths, programming by matt ingram
Scene shot in slow motion
A circle of eyes
The weight of attention
when the ribbons are tied
Peel back the paper
we're trapped in their moment
Anticipating the
Birthday girl, birthday girl, birthday girl
Birthday - we light the candle to watch it go out
Where does the magic go?
A glow on the surface,
What's growing inside
The attraction of newness,
The promise of life
Take what you're given forget what you wanted
Holding the mirror to all of their choices
Birthday girl, birthday girl, birthday girl
Birthday - we light the candle to watch it go out
Where does the magic go?
After the party they all go home
Your back to the door feel the silence grow
Nobody tells you how you will cope
After the magic goes, where did the magic go
For the birthday girl
For the birthday girl
For the birthday girl
We light the candle
—
Pearl
written by alva leigh peden levanway
vocals, piano by alva leigh
drums, synths, programming by matt ingram
tenor saxophone by john mark painter
Halloween autumn leaves on the backseat of your SUV
A cold iced tea between your knees as you drove around southeastern streets
You were raising the future reliving the past
The hours are long but the days go fast
When did it feel like drowning
How did you know it was time to swim
What started out as a grain of sand
Became a pearl in the end
38 you had me late you wore a shell we watched it break
In a driveway in '98 2 days before my 10th birthday
You were raising the future reliving the past
The hours are long but the days go fast
When did it feel like drowning
How did you know it was time to swim
What started out as a grain of sand
Became a pearl in the end
Pearl, pearl pearl
What started out as sand
Became a pearl in the end
—
Ceremony
song by joy division + new order
vocals by alva leigh
bass, acoustic guitar, autoharp, melodica, and synth by john mark painter
drums, synths, programming by matt ingram
This is why events unnerve me
They find it all a different story
Notice whom for wheels are turning
Turn again and turn towards this time
All she asks the strength to hold me
But then again the same old story
Word will travel, oh-so quickly
Travel first and lean towards this time
Oh, I'll break them all, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time
Watching her, the things she said
The times she cried, too frail to wake this time
Oh, I'll break them down, no mercy shown
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time
Avenues all lined with trees
Picture me and then you start watching
Watching forever
Forever, watching love grow
Forever, letting me know
—
She Flew
written by alva leigh peden levanway
vocals by alva leigh
Harmonium, Bass clarinet, French horn, drum, Flugal horn, Lap dulcimer by john mark painter
drums, synths, programming by matt ingram
Lilac in the morning
Lavender in the sun
Fireflies in the evening
A jar of chrysanthemums
She flew into blue, into you
She flew, she flew
Daisy chains on our foreheads
Streamers around the room
Watching the shadows of sunset
Missing what’s gone so soon
She flew into blue, into you
She flew, she flew
And I just want look away
but I’ve gotta know how it ends
All the magic and the pain
Oh I gotta know all of the times
You flew into blue, into you
She flew
—
Wilderness
written by alva leigh peden levanway
vocals and keys by alva leigh
drums, synths, programming by matt ingram
For all of the years that I’ve inside this house
The curtains, the halls, the pictures on walls
No more surprises now
Memories and dreams I’ve gathered are sittin’ on a shelf
Then I found a room that I didn’t know about
You opened the door and you pulled me in
If I am a garden, then loving you is a wilderness
I can’t sleep sometimes wondering how you’ll turn out
Mistakes I will make, plans I will break, my fear of falling down
If time is medicine then baby you’re forever and you’re now
You’re like a room that I didn’t know about
You opened the door and you pulled me in
If I am a garden, then loving you is a wilderness
A wilder, wilder, wilderness
When I thought there was nothing left
You opened the door and you pulled me in
If I am a garden, then loving you is a wilderness
Something from nothing, magic within
If I am a garden, then loving you is a wilderness
—